Why would anyone think that trauma just goes away?
That it isn't there anymore?
Because the trauma is twenty-five years old?
Because the event wasn't traumatic to that person or persons?
Trauma stays with you.
It hides and when you think you are okay, it jumps out and paralyzes you. It never goes away. You can work to move on, to deal...it's always there. It's like a leech, you don't feel it sticking it's painful sucker into you because it lulls you into a false sense of security, until you look down and see a fat humongous blood-sucker stuck to you.
When you smell a certain smell it takes you back to that moment. It's shameful. It's painful. It's demeaning. When you hear a certain sound it takes you there. Faster than you can believe. You thought you had gotten past this? Well think again. In the night when things are quiet and all you hear are your own thoughts bleeding through your mind...those are the worst times. Would it be different if it happened today? Could something have changed it to make it better?
Did people offer comfort when the trauma was discovered? Did they say that it was all going to be okay? Did they ever say that it WASN'T YOUR FAULT? Did they rock you and hold you and stroke your hair and tell you that nobody deserves trauma like that? Did they slay the monsters in the closet and under the bed for you? Did they stand up for you and cry out for you and savage the world with their cries of outrage?
Did they call you a liar? Did they tell you that it couldn't possibly have been as bad as you think? Maybe they just refused to acknowledge that you had spoken the words out loud at all? Did they tell you some trite platitude that when you hear it today it evokes rage and anger and frustration and disbelief and it's own brand of trauma?
No amount of therapy can help because it lies in wait. It ebbs and flows. It is a living, breathing, feeding thing that you can't get rid of no matter how hard you try.
What happens to you?
What does it do? Does it break you? Does it make you weak? Does it make you bleed?
Not if you don't let it.
It makes you strong. It makes you resilient. It makes you stone. It makes you loud, obnoxious, blunt. Honest.
It makes you a survivor.
No, in answer to the question, trauma never goes away.
Life happens anyway and you deal and move through it in the best way you know how. Hopefully with grace and dignity and poise. More often with grit and determination.
Maya Angelou says, "When you know better, you do better."
That's all I know how to do.
I won't pretend anymore. I won't lie to myself or others. Nobody can make me do that anymore. I am not nine. I am an adult with responsibilities and a life that needs living.
I was traumatized. I will always be traumatized. Some days are good, some aren't.
I survived.
I am still healing, twenty-five years later.
It still hurts.
It still shames.
The trauma is still there and will be until the day I die.
BUT
I breathe and live and love and move forward, because I know better, so I do better.
7 comments:
i, too have felt that feeling, smelled that smell, rolled in the shame and pain of doing something to, in my view at the time, that was the best for all concerned. i still have to live with the results of my trauma, realizing that mine set yours up, and if faced with the same decision, only armed with what i know now, it would have maybe not happened, at least that way. your trauma was, not to belittle it in any way, a wildcard, a happenchance, and an evil that interupted a dream of a less turbulant life, my dream, that a 9 year old could have a "normal" childhood with that decision. no, the trauma never really passes, but, know now there are no dragons or bed monsters that will ever harm you now; it's my watch once more!!!
I LOVE you my KImmy!
Shelly
I love you, Kimmy!
You are so strong. Keep up the living.
"savage the world with their cries of outrage"
Moving words.
Thank you.
Kim, I love you! I wish I could take away your pain like I used to do when you’d fall down & skin your knee . . . a kiss could cure it all.
I remember the pain I felt each time you’d have a fight with a girlfriend . . . and later, the pain I felt for you when the boyfriend relationships didn’t work out.
I wish I knew about your trauma/pain when you were 9 . . . .or 11 . . . .or 13, when I could still ‘DO’ something about it; I would have gone to the limit for you!
I want you to know that I’ve survived my own share of traumas in 53 years. At least one is as lengthy & disturbing as your own. Reflecting back, I can tell you that they have all been life-changing.
I don’t know when or why you threw God out of your life, but I’m sure that I would not have survived my own traumas without God walking right beside me.
If you are truly seeking an answer, I can tell you that Forgiveness is the key to overcoming & moving on & growing & feeling ALIVE again.
Forgiving the traumatizer.
Forgiving the non-committal, seemingly, uncaring relatives & bystanders.
Forgiving God (?)
And most of all . . . . . . Forgiving yourself.
I know that you would like me to DO something (now), but it is not for me to do now. I believe in the words of the Bible: “Vengeance is Mine, saith the Lord.” If there’s vengeance to be had, He will take care of it.
kim's mom says,
"I want you to know that I’ve survived my own share of traumas in 53 years. At least one is as lengthy & disturbing as your own. Reflecting back, I can tell you that they have all been life-changing."
What does this have to do with HER trauma? She alreayd knows that HER trauma was life changing.
How do you know that the time when "a kiss could cure it all" has passed? What is that is exactly what she needs from you today?
What does she have to forgive herself for?
Good thing she has others in her life that know what to say and do.
Actions do speak louder than words.
The words are still nice to hear and sometimes all you need to heal.
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