Revisited

Remember this old post from January 20, 2008?
It was titled, "The One..."
Well, I revisited it today.

Someone to share my pizza with, I can't eat a whole one.
When I want pizza it's Sir Pizza-half cheese, half what he wants.
Someone to share a movie with, they just aren't as much fun by yourself.
When I want a movie it's The Warriors, "Can you dig it?"
Someone to take a walk with, it's just more with someone else.
When I want a walk it's at McKay's, the best discount bookstore ever.
Someone to cook a meal for, I enjoy it.
When I want to cook a meal, it's usually my choice and usually it scores. (No pizza fish here...)
Someone to shop with, it's nice to have another opinion.
2am trips to Walmart, 'nuf said.
Someone to talk on my pretty purple phone to, after 9PM and on weekends, it's free!
We both have Sprint, it's free all of the time, so I don't have to wait. But I do love it when he calls on his way home from work or on his last break, just to say, "hey".
Someone to tell me to get over myself, it's easier when love tells you that your being a dork.
I might be a dork, but I'm his dork.
Someone to come home to, be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.
Home is where your duck is.
Someone who says, "You smell good," after you've cleaned the house.
Someone who says, "Oh my God, you cleaned the house, it looks GREAT!"
Someone who says, "you are beautiful," even when you don't feel it.
I love when he walks in and simply says, "Wow."
Someone who watches me when I don't know it because they like the way I am.
I only know he does because I watch him.
Someone who comes up behind me to wrap their arms around me, just because.
Tickle fights, silly faces, jokes, laughing, a kiss on the shoulder before he gets up and a kiss goodbye before he leaves. Who can ask for more? But there always is...
Someone who loves animals, I want a little fuzzy dog to carry around.
Thank you for Murray.
Someone who loves me for me.
>NaCl
Someone who loves my kids because of who they are, not because of me.
Apparently they are easy to love.
Someone to cook for me, because it's always better when someone else makes it for you.
Risotto.
Someone to drive sometimes, because sometimes it's nice to just enjoy the ride.
Memphis, Chattanooga, Knoxville, Bell Buckle, and countless places in between...
Someone who can't keep their hands off of me, because it's nice to be wanted.
Learning that being wanted is just the tip of the iceberg.
Someone that likes music, in any form, because there's always a song...
Sometimes fate is ironic.
Someone that will dance with me even when there isn't music.
I hope we always hear our song.
Someone who understands the why of me and still likes the who of me.
Can I get an Amen?
Someone who likes to walk in the rain and the snow.
Even if we have to travel north for the snow.
Someone to share the ups and the downs with, rollercoasters are more fun when shared.
Thanks for holding my hand through the scary parts.
Someone who will let me take care of them when they are sick, it's how I roll.
Not realizing that it's just as nice to have someone take care of me when I'm sick.
Someone who makes me laugh, I can't live without humor.
"Roadhouse."
Someone who can make me cry and laugh in the same moment.
It's effortless for him, I do it often.
Someone who gets me.
It isn't always easy, but he always gets me...
Someone for me.
Me for someone.
Someone.
Not just anyone.
The one.
Him.

Flower

Posts

I haven't written in a long time.

There has been sadness and loss and also happiness and joy.

There have been setbacks and great strides forward.

There is anxiety, stress, pressure, anger, frustration, pain and still through it all there is relief, peace, support, love, acceptance, and joy.

For all of the negative I can happily count hundreds of positives, blessings if you will (Thanks, Janeen.)

I found out that my youngest child had to go to the emergency room.
Nobody had told me.
I got a bill in the mail for the services with his name on it from a month ago.
I freaked.
I was hurt, angry, frustrated, torn, broken.

Then I called him.
He was fine. It was "no big deal". Just another day in the life of a 14 year old diabetic.
He's fine, so it wasn't an "issue". Everyone else thought he had told me that weekend.

Then I found out the rest of the story.

He woke up early for school to eat. He was low, but not lower than he has been in the past.
In his words, he thought he'd go eat and get his sugar up, but when he went to pour the milk it spilled and he got really angry.

What he didn't know was that Caetie was watching him have a seizure and he flung the milk across the room because he couldn't control himself. She went to him and held onto him. I know that she had to be terrified, because I know I would have been.

She didn't fall apart, she was there for her brother. She yelled for Mike.
She took care of J while Mike coordinated calling 911 for an ambulance and locating their father. This was complicated by issues with his business phone. Mike persevered and their dad got there only 3 or 4 minutes after the ambulance.

J doesn't remember any of this, he remembers being angry and then being surrounded by family and paramedics.

I am so proud of them.

Frustration

You ever have a moment when you make a statement and then realize that how it sounded in your head is not how it sounded when you said it?

Yeah, that happens to me a lot.

Let's hope the day gets better.

Home is Where Her Garden is...

I love Lulu.

Go and see what we did.

No, really, GO!

Isn't that cool?

This should count for more than one day...

I am going to be okay!

Besides, you promised, and you never break a promise.
So I KNOW I am going to be okay.

And >NaCl. A lot.

I guess it had to be someone...

Instead of asking, "Why me?" I am just going to focus on the fact that I am Karma's favorite right now and say, neaner neaner neaner to you.

I mean really, why NOT me?

I am cute, funny, happy. I love life. I love giving and receiving. I try to be gracious. I am a klutz and a dork. I have amazing children, amazing friends, and amazing gas mileage.

Who can ask for more?

I have pretty flowers growing on my deck, I have kept a plant alive all by myself for almost a year, and I have cute toes.

I am never alone.

Yeah, it's a good day today.

I like when life moves forward, I just wish she'd learn how to shift gears a little more smoothly.

I shouldn't have looked...

I think that it's utterly disrespectful and demeaning to the years spent loving each other to tear each other down by the very things that we used to build each other up in the first place.

Using the little details to hurt someone that has "wronged" us is petty and speaks more of the character of the person doing it than the person it's done to. Still, it doesn't make it hurt less.

It disappoints me that there are people in our world that take delight in the trampling of another humans spirit. There are people hurting and trying to heal, with dignity and regard, and they have to take on the actions of someone who should have more self-respect.

I want to be able to protect and shield my friends, family, loved ones from these deep to the bone hurts and I can't. We all have to walk through them, it's the only way we can come out on the other side.

We don't come out the same, but we do come out. It takes time, patience, love, and support. It takes family. It takes friends. It takes moments and it takes a lifetime.

A friend once asked me for one thing: right-wrong-indifferent-100%. Never doubt that it is given, always, without thought or question. I would never fight your battles for you, but I will stand at your side in any and every way that I can.

Wisconsin Visit in a nutshell

J's face at the park when I started to chase him...
The walk from Millennium Park to Ed Debevic's is a long and winding road.

You should have taken the chance and taken the picture.

Thank you for adventuring with me.

Jelly Belly Factory

Pickles

Good Night.

Tard

Tasmanian Dumbass

Hallelujah...Hallelujah...

Dessert

poker

family gatherings of all sorts

cheese curds
Pancakes!

Love

Good Morning.

Genetic traits

Centennial Park

Trampoline

The farmhouse

Wrigley

The Food Porn store

Being silly

Karrie & the kids

Walking on water

Karaoke

Recreating the scene from Blues Brothers in our heads...

The El

Cash Pawley, author

So, there I am at my lovely job at the red retail giant in small town, Tennessee.

Lisa had to go to lunch so I'm covering the service desk.

These two guests come up with a question about our .com services and if I can look up a specific book.

Of course we can look up a book.

We go out to the kiosk and there is much laughing and joking around among the two friends.

I, of course, join in, because that's what I do.

Yes, we do have this book available!
And guess what? It's his book.
If I had written a book, I so totally would have done that.
I think I want to write a book now just so I can.

But my new friend Cash Pawley has a book that is available online and while I totally think all of his friends and family left the reviews on that link, I still think you should give it a look and see what you think. Oh, and check him out at lulu.com, too.

Meet my new friend!

I liked the snippet that you can read on lulu, I might even buy a copy, he said he'd come back to the store and sign it for me, so I might hold him to that.

I told him I'd blog about it, because, well, I think it's cool.
And I totally loved it that he came in to look up his own book.
That rocks.

Happy book selling, Cash.

I did it!

I finished the book. :)
I am so proud. It was such a good book.
Thank you for trusting me with it.

Christian has a callous on his finger from where his knife rests. :)

Quote of the day

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there."

Jalal-ad-Din Rumi

Endings and Beginnings

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." --T. S. Eliot

If I live to be 1000, I'll never know how grateful...

"I cherish you more than salt."

Zen

The best way out is always through.
--Robert Frost

?

Are you ever really ready for it when it happens?

Yesterday

So, the statement was, "Well, that's the world's worst kept secret."

What can I say, I AM blonde.

The question

The question was, "Did you choose or did you just decide that I matter to you?"

My answer was, it is a choice. They said that to them it was not a choice but a decision.

So, I had to look it up.

To choose and to decide are almost the same thing.

choose
verb, chose; cho sen or (Obsolete) chose; choos ing.
–verb (used with object)

1.to select from a number of possibilities; pick by preference: She chose Sunday for her departure.Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

decide
verb, -cided, -ciding.
–verb (used with object)

1.to solve or conclude (a question, controversy, or struggle) by giving victory to one side: The judge decided the case in favor of the plaintiff.
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

I didn't and don't like either of those options. I mean, choosing is as if there was another option that might have been better--like picking what shirt to wear in the morning. And a decision is the weight of more than one equal option.

"Did you choose or did you just decide that I matter to you?"

Neither. You matter because you matter.

It is.

It's a constant, like water is wet and the sky is blue. Even when water is steam you still get wet and even when the sky is overcast it is still blue behind the clouds.

Which means that we had no say in the matter at all, it was serendipitious.

serendipity  –noun

1.an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.
2.good fortune; luck: the serendipity of getting the first job she applied for.
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

How we treat each other from that point on becomes the choice/decision factors. I can choose to call you, or wait for you to call me. I can decide if I want to spend Friday night with you or I can decide to spend it with other friends.

So, I am changing my answer to you, neither.

You were one big desirable discovery I made by accident.

Apparently I'm good at that.
Looks like you are, too.

(Thankfully.)

I'm all about it...

I'm all about someone who makes me nervous.

I like being girlie sometimes.

I like knowing that when your eyes crinkle when you smile that it's all for me.

I like someone who's not afraid to tell me that they like how my perfume smells.

I've come to realize that I really like it when a man holds a door open for me. It's not required, but greatly appreciated.

I like laughing.

I like talking.

I like listening.

I like someone who understands that the way to me is in the details.

It's not the grand gestures, it's the simple ones.

The single daisy picked by the side of the road in a spur of the moment gesture is always the way I'd choose.

I don't need a lot of money, but enough money.

I want simple joy.

I like to hold hands in the car.

I like it when sometimes, there's someone kiss my hurts and go to the doctor's office with me.

I like hanging out at the movies, but not alone.

I like carwashes where you drive into them.

I like carwashes where you wash the car yourself.

I hate eating a meal by myself if there is someone to share it with.

I like chillaxin' around the house watching silly reality TV shows or playing video games.

I like that hanging out with my friends, singing karaoke, dancing, listening to country music, and just having fun are all free.

The only person I know how to be is myself.

This quote defines me:

At eighty, I think what I shall regret are the things I always wanted to do and never did; the experiences I denied myself because I was too concerned about others opinions, or too anxious for their approval; but I think I would regret most a life wasted living as someone who was not me.-anonymous

Tennessee Bullseye

So, now that I've been here for awhile.
I'm really starting to enjoy working with the peeps I work with in Tennessee.

There are some really really great people here and it's a pleasure to work with them on a regular basis. There are some new faces and they seem to fit in as if they've been here from day one.

The funniest thing is that sometimes my brain is still in my Wisconsin store. Someone will find artwork in the C & D aisle reshop cart and go, "Who put this there?" and I have to sheepishly raise my hand.

The store is totally mirror image of the Wisconsin store and then the aisles are all weird and wonky, except for the A aisle. That one is pretty much the same.

B doesn't have the kitchen gadgets or vacuums in it, but it does have the artwork that in WI is in C.

Lightbulbs aren't in the C aisle, they are in F, how weird is that?

Pool stuff is in toys, the seasonal section is tiny compared to WI, and we can walk through the pharmacy hallway to get to the breakroom so we don't "intrude on guest experience in the store."

It's fast. It's fun. It's friendly.

It's like my own bizarro Target. :)

Time

I cannot believe that it is 2009.

Where did 2008 go?

It seems like just yesterday it was New Year's Eve 2007.
My date cancelled on me last minute by voicemail.

January saw old friendships become stronger, new friendships were growing, and I was loving being in my own sweet lodge.

February saw Valentine's day and a most precious email, that was better than any Valentine I've ever received.

March brought a trip to Tennessee and everything I loved about it in the first place was magnified and brought into focus. Tennessee and me had more to discuss. We needed to be in the same place.

April brought me a cancer diagnosis and thoughts about the meaning of life, the pursuit of happiness, and how those things could not be accomplished where and when I was.

May brought about the best birthday I think I've ever had. It brought happiness, sadness, and great heaps of joy.

June brought surgery and the reassurance that I was cancer-free. Thankfully Stephanie was there for me to drive and be my friend. It also brought the move that changed my life, yet again. It brought me the zoo and pancakes.

July brought thoughts of "what have I done?" and "I cannot believe I am finally here." It also brought about the start of "Tuesday".

August brought the heat and the sun and driving over the lake every single day and remembering how grateful I was to be living where I was living and doing it.

September brought some disappointments and some tough decisions.

October brought a great visit to Wisconsin. Seeing the kids and staying with Nicole & PT and hanging out at karaoke and being silly and seeing Target friends and WI friends and just all around having a great visit and then being able to come home again. It also brought with it another move, this time closer to work and friends. I've never regretted it.

November brought a trip to Memphis that was all kinds of amazing. My first actual poker tournament. Thanksgiving and sharing that with Barry and his family. Black Friday, Tennessee.

December brought Christmas and again a family to share it with here. It brought New Year's Eve and sadness. But a friend said, maybe it's like rain on your wedding day--a crappy NYE means a great year...

So, here's to a great year ahead.

So far, I have a trip to WI planned and a Big Lebowski birthday party, complete with cosmic bowling and copious amounts of "White Russians" (or whatever you want to actually drink, as long as you call it a White Russian...)

I can't wait to see what else is in store for the year.

I hope that you are a part of it...

I hope that there are many Tuesdays and maybe some pancakes.

Baby steps...baby steps...

I found this post half written from July 6, 2008 and it's still fitting for how I'm feeling now, too.
I've realized that I have gotten to the place that I wanted to be six months ago.

It's been a long six months and some of it's been really hard, but some of it's been pretty freakin' sweet, too.

I have good friends, there are "hangouts", there is normalcy in an abnormal world.

My life wouldn't be complete without having Tuesdays.
Calling "The Corner", Sandbar all of the time.
Finding places to eat and shop at.
Having places where people know your face.
Monday, Friday, Saturday poker.
Being at work and having someone come in and going, "Hey! I know you, how are you today?"

This all being said, I am publishing the original post because it reminds me to remember that sometimes I know the answers and the questions are just rhetorical anyway.

It's hard getting used to living in Tennessee and not having the "same" as you did before.

The same laundromat, the same friends, the same hangouts, the same restaurants...

It's harder than one might think.

It's hard to be so far away from the sound of a voice and the look of a face.

It's hard to be alone and still surrounded by friends.

Baby steps to rebuild what took so long to build in the first place.

That is the best part, too, though. The self-actualization. The self-realization that you can and will rebuild a life again.

The friends will come, that is just a given.

The restaurants will become "favorites".

The hangouts will arrive.

The "normalcy" will return.

I just hate the transition period, the waiting.

I hate not knowing the answers and having to wait for the questions.

I love it here. I love the people, the land, the smell, the tastes--everything.

It's seeped into my essense and become a part of who and what I am.

I'm having a rough day today. It's a struggle to be positive.

Jen

January 9, 2009

So, I start writing this blog with my sister Jen in mind on February 11, 2008. I had all these memories going through my head and wanted to put them down in a form that would be flattering and fun and funny.

And as my life is wont to do, it got busy and I never came back to edit this blog.

Well, fast forward to like the beginning of November or so and I found out that my sister is having her first baby. I'm sure that her and my brother-in-law, Jim are so excited.

I am, too! So, in honor of my baby sister being a mommy and me becoming Auntie Kimmy, I'm going to remind her of the stuff we used to get into so she knows what's in store for her beginning in less than 9 months time...


Pop beads
vacations on your birthday
"wosco peeeecotrain"
tippie toes
Jenny Wrenny
The Hawthorne tree at woodhaven
picking all the fat off of your meat for you
laying out a peeled raw carrot on nights we were having cooked ones
playing with your hair
sharing "The Church of Walgreens"
The great basement flood of '85
"Bayoobda"
Mello Yellow
Fashion shows
Oh you beautiful doll
sneaking out the basement door
the clubhouse
bootlegged cassette tapes
watching Love Boat/Fantasy Island when we should have been sleeping
dueling stereos
The blizzard of '79 and the snow being taller than you were
either a best friend, an enemy, or a cohort depending on the day and situation


Favorite memories:

You on your hands and knees on the asphalt at Blackhawk park because I didn't have enough arm strength to pull myself out of the baby swing I was stuck in.

You running home at 6 years old from Blackhawk Park, to get mom and dad because I thought I broke my ankle jumping out of the tree.

Your wedding--nothing specific, it was just a perfect day.

Listening to you after you take the kids for a weekend.

Woodhaven, Owassippee, Crystal Lake--just having you around.

Remember the teeny tiny tree froggies at Crystal lake that were like smaller than the tips of our fingers?

Snipe hunting at Owassippee?

The East Coast Trip. It wouldn't have been the same without you there.
That stupid ginormous ferris wheel that you HAD to go on?
Remember The Atlantic City Hotel and the HIHO Casino?
Remember singing, "Under the Boardwalk"?

Remember the endless scuba diving "vacations" where we got to babysit in fun and new locations all summer?

Driving you crazy listening to country music, and watching you eat it up when Bowie would tell me that I should be nice to you.

Making you run screaming from the room to stop playing that damn song every Christmas when I'd wear out mom's "The Kingston Trio" album?
"Children go where I send thee/
how shall I send thee,/
I'm gonna send thee one by one,/
one for the little bitty baby,
who was born, born, born in Bethelehem/"

Helping to trim the Christmas tree after mom had strung the lights.

Remember the one year we made her buy cranberries and we strung popcorn and cranberries on the tree?

Sleeping in Great-Grandma Mom's bed when we'd stay over at Gram's house and hoping that they would let us spend the entire night?

That mom said to each one of us, "Someday you'll understand when you have a child just like you..."

I can only hope that happens, the world needs more like you...
...and it's good payback for you barfing on my side of the bed that time and then climbing over me so I had to lay in it.

"I feel like a Beatles song."

Why don't we do it in the road.
Nothing's gonna change my world...
All you need is love.
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
Picture yourself in a boat on a river, with tangerine trees and marmalade skies...
Don't let me down...don't let me down...
I wanna hold your hand
He's a real nowhere man...sitting in his nowhere land...
Here comes the sun and I said it's all right...
Oh darlin'...please believe me...
I wanna be under the sea in a octopus' garden...
I once had a girl, or should I say she once had me
...but when I get home to you, I like the things that you do, they make me feel alright...
Here I stand with head in hand, turn my face to the wall
Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away
I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping while my guitar gently weeps
Will you still need need me?
Dear Prudence let me see you smile
Help! I need somebody. Help! Not just anybody...
If I fell...
We can knit a sweater by the fireside, Sunday morning go for a ride...
Looking through a glass onion...

Ode to Thomas

My friend Thomas is the bomb.

He makes me laugh and carry on.
He brings me food when I am sick.
He protects me from the boys when they are pricks.
I love my friend Thomas, he's really great.
I can't wait to see him, next Monday at eight...
Well, at 5:30 but it didn't rhyme.
He teaches me slang all of the time.
I have to look it up on Urban Dictionary.
He's silly, he's fun, I like him a lot.
This ode is to him so he knows he's the tops!
I keep him awake when he's on the road,
He makes me laugh even when I feel like a toad.
He'll say that this ode isn't the right length.
I'll tell him, more tomorrow
Tonight I haven't the strength...

:)